


Stockholm Syndrome

by Hestia



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, hinted Clint/Coulson, hinted Steve/Tony, this is probably going to be an AU as soon as the movie is out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-22
Updated: 2012-04-22
Packaged: 2017-11-04 03:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hestia/pseuds/Hestia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent Coulson comes home to a devastated living room and all he wanted really was a coffee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stockholm Syndrome

**Author's Note:**

> This work have been beta by the lovely Martina (http://gabrielscandybar.tumblr.com/), who did an awesome job improving my poor writing style. But neither of us are native speaker, so I apology if there's some mistakes left.
> 
> Fair warning : This **isn't** a group fanfiction. It's actually just Coulson and Jarvis. I tagged everyone who appeared in this but none of them have any line except for Coulson and Jarvis.
> 
> Also, I apology for this poor humor attempt.

“Jarvis, could you give me a definition of Stockholm Syndrome, please?”  
“Certainly, sir”  
  
" _In psychology, Stockholm Syndrome is an apparently paradoxical psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational... _ "  
  
“Thank you Jarvis, it’s all I need.”  
“Very well, sir.”  
  
Coulson sighed. He knew the definition already but he needed to hear it out loud, just to make sure. After a few seconds he decided to reenter the living room of the Avengers mansion. He had stepped out to speak with Jarvis just a minute ago.  
So far the agent had been pretty sure that if he was _ever_ to have a mental breakdown it would occur after a particularly difficult mission, which would have include torture, no, _lots and lots of torture_. Well, maybe his current mission could, in a way, fit this definition.  
But in any case, he wasn’t prepared for this to be his downfall.  
  
Four minutes earlier he had entered the living room and immediately froze before the sight in front of him. The most noticeable thing was that there were arrows everywhere and nearly all the furniture in the room had been destroyed into little, tiny pieces. Except for one painting, hanging in an odd angle from the wall, a small cabinet and (amazingly enough) the TV in front of the reinforced couch, where Thor and Hulk were seated. The Hulk was quietly fuming about whatever had pissed him off and Thor was enjoying an ice cream while watching SpongeBob. Both seemed completely oblivious of the mess and very happy with the kid show. The two idiots, namely Stark (wearing just one hand repulsor) and Barton, were lying unconscious on the other side of the room.

  
The first thing Phil had thought was “ _please don’t be dead_ ” and the second “ _god I hope they didn’t killed each other_ ” while he was already crossing rapidly the room to check their pulses. A sound of relief escaped him when he found two steady pulses and no blood or injuries (well, except for some scratches and bruises on their faces). The third thought that had hit him then was “ _why the hell is there a row of forks in the wall?_ ”.  
  
That had been the first clue that something was wrong with him.  
  
Philip Coulson was known for being a very observant man (and a bad ass agent too, but that was an entirely different story). That’s why he was so good with paperwork and reading people. Finding two agents unconscious on the ground wasn’t particularly surprising (finding them drooling on the carpet in their own house, while they weren’t on mission or Phil didn't even have to touch his taser, was already a more disturbing event). But even if the well-being of his agents was his priority, it shouldn’t have taken him two solid minutes to notice about 15 forks lined up on the wall. His reaction had been way too slow because of his concern for the agents on the floor.  
  
The second clue to his strange state of mind occurred when he noticed he was _really relieved his Avengers were still alive_ , while he should want to murder them instead for creating such a mess.  
  
The third and final clue came right after that, when Coulson realised he considered them has _his_ Avengers. And really, what the hell? (okay, Clint could maybe [read definitively] qualify as his... but Stark? Really?). It was a rather _disturbing_ thought actually.  
Stark and Barton were loud, had over-sized egos, a poor sense of humour and were generally a pain in his ass. Banner was too shy and cranky 98% of the time (and surprisingly tense for a guy supposed to keep his cool - but again, he was living with Tony Stark). Cap was too polite for his own good (but Coulson could forgive him that) and the way he seemed to always both want to kiss and punch Tony in the face _at the same time_ was becoming infuriating. Natasha was plain freaky, especially in the morning, and Thor was... well, he was _Thor_ . Loud, strange and far too curious (without even speaking of his rather concerning/disturbing relationship with his brother) to say the least. But he was probably the easiest of the lot to live with (and that spoke volumes about Phil’s life).  
  
So, if Phil had been rational about the overall situation, which he was apparently not, he should just hate them all . They were _terrible_ roommates and he was literally forced to live with them, trapped in the mansion with no hope to escape _ever_ , courtesy of director Fury. He was their hostage but still... it seemed like he had developed a particular fondness for those people, who apparently were _his_ Avengers now. He wasn’t sure how this had happened. Surly Loki’s attack hadn’t been enough to break his mind that he reached this point. The only rational conclusion he was able to put together out of those 3 clues had been the following:  
  
He, the hostage and nanny of the Avengers, had Stockholm Syndrome.  
  
So, Phil had stepped out of the room, took a _deep_ breath and asked Jarvis for a confirmation.  
  
Now he was back again in the destroyed living room and really, no one had moved one bit and he needed some answers. The top 3 being :  
-What happened to the two idiots on the floor?  
-Why is there a Mjolnir-shaped hole going through at least 3 walls?  
-And what is the meaning of the fork formation? (he could imagine at least 100 answers for the first two question but this particular point was really disturbing him)  
Why Bruce had hulked out was probably linked to one or possibly _all of those questions_ , so there was little point asking. And it also probably explained why most of the furniture was smashed (and why the TV had remained untouched, since The Hulk really enjoyed watching whatever was on right now).  
  
Natasha came out of the kitchen when Phil was about to ask Thor (since he was the only person that would answer - The Hulk didn’t look like he was going to cooperate anyway). She silently made her way among the rubble, a bowl of freshly cut fruits in her right hand. She passed right in front of Tony and Clint, made her way to the wall opposite the kitchen, took a fork out of it and turned back unbothered. About half way through the room she paused, turned towards Phil, who was still at the door, gave him a little nod and a “agent Coulson” to greet him before she disappeared inside the kitchen.  
  
After a few seconds Coulson changed his mind about asking Thor (since the god was _completely_ fascinated by the TV anyway) and decided to exit the room again to rely on the AI once again.  
“Jarvis, where is captain Rogers?”  
“He left the building 8 minutes and 42 seconds ago. On his way out he shouted, I quote: 'I never signed up for this. I’m giving my resignation to S.H.I.E.L.D right now!'”  
“That’s _unfortunate_.”  
“Yes but if I may make an assumption? I don’t think he was really going to give his resignation since he headed towards Brooklyn instead of the S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters.”  
  
Coulson took a few seconds to think and asked again.  
“Jarvis?”  
“Yes, sir?”  
“Do I want to know about the forks?”  
“.....Probably not, sir.”  
“Thank you, Jarvis.”  
  
Coulson sighed, then got his phone out of his pocket. He was supposed to report to Fury ten minutes ago.  
“I’m listening Coulson. How’s life at the Avengers mansion? Is everyone settling in nice and easy?”  
“It’s going better than we expected...considering it’s been only 6 days since the team moved together.”  
“ _Anything_ to report?”  
“Only a few roommates...disagreements....nothing important, sir.”  
“Good. I want them all for a debriefing on Monday morning, 0800”  
“Very well, sir.”  
  
Fury hung up and Coulson dusted some dirt off his shoulder after putting his phone back into his pocket. The ceiling didn’t look _too_ weak considering the huge crack now running from the middle of the room to the corner of the “fork wall” but some small parts off the mansion had still fallen off. He hoped the ceiling wouldn't come down completely and _if_ , he didn't want to be here for this event. So he took off in the direction of his own room. After he walked a few minutes along the corridors and turned right to go through the door, he paused..  
“Jarvis?”  
“Yes, sir?”  
“How long was I gone when I was at the coffee shop?”  
“13 minutes and 25 seconds, sir.”  
“...Find one closer, please.”  
“Certainly, sir.”  
  
  
  
The End

**Author's Note:**

> The definition at the beginning was taken directly for Wikipedia because I'm a lazy person :/


End file.
